TV moms June Cleaver and Carol Brady made motherhood seem incredibly easy and relatively stress-free. Whatever issues arose, they were handled within 30 minutes. These women always looked fresh and ironed, not a hair was out of place, and seemed to need little if any emotional support. With such images lodged deep in our minds, is it any wonder that so many parents or parents-to-be experience anxiety at the very thought of raising a family? Maybe you were one of the lucky ones who quickly became a parent through it, and emerged on the other side without a scratch. I haven’t been so lucky.
I started my journey as a mother believing that even though I would make mistakes, I would find the strength and moral will to stick together most of the time. That notion changed as soon as postpartum depression shook me to the core. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t immediately “in love” with my baby. I mean, she loved him, but that soft, warm, fuzzy feeling went away soon after she left the hospital. My oldest son was crying more than he was not crying and to my dismay all of his cries sounded exactly the same so I felt completely unable to understand him. I internalized my feelings of doubt and did not seek help, mainly because I believed that to do so would be admitting my failure as a parent.
Looking back, 15 years, four children and four stepchildren later, I understand that what I had to do was allow myself to be human. I needed to give myself permission to make mistakes, not know everything about my son, and ask for help. I also needed to learn how to take care of myself so that I could be strong and healthy for my family. I admit that along the way I have discovered some survival strategies. I want to share these strategies with you today in hopes of inspiring you to be patient with yourself as you raise your children. Sometimes it’s the little things we do for ourselves that make a big difference.
Sometimes I bake cookies just to eat the dough.
I said it there. I love chocolate chip cookie dough. It’s my vice. It’s my guilty pleasure. Sometimes I enjoy the dough more than the baked cookies. I know cookie dough isn’t exactly good for one person, but how nutritious are cookies? If I’m going to indulge, I might as well enjoy the process to the fullest. I often wonder if June or Carol ate cookie dough. We never witnessed it, but maybe when the cameras stopped they gave away a pinch or two. I’ve finally accepted this little indulgence of mine, though I’m still trying to find a valid answer when asked why the recipe didn’t produce more cookies.
I have promised my children candy for their “good” behavior at the store.
This confession falls into the “a mom has to do what a mom has to do” category. This was a very powerful motivator, especially when sweets were the very essence of my children’s lives. Somehow, the thought of a bag of M&M’s or a Tootsie Pop inspired good behavior. I also benefited from this because my cherubs were not only well behaved, but they were so happy to be able to choose a gift that they insisted it was fair if I chose one too. A happy mother equals happy children and vice versa, at least in my case. I look back and realize how lucky I was that all they ordered was candy. The requests have grown over the years, and I’m not sure a Tootsie Pop will satisfy as much as a new cell phone or car.
I’ve stayed in my pajamas all day just because I was too tired or unmotivated to get dressed.
I admit that I tried to imitate June Cleaver and Carol Brady when I first brought my children home from the hospital. I remember jumping out of bed after my oldest son was born and running to the bathroom to shower and get ready for my day. In theory, that was the smart thing to do, but in reality I stood up too fast and moved too suddenly or maybe I was just so weak from my C-section. In any case, I ended up standing outside the shower with no clothes on and holding on to the shower curtain for fear of passing out. After that little experience, I decided it was okay to take my time in the morning, especially if I had nowhere to go, and if I really had nowhere to go, it was okay to stay in my pajamas all day. Babies do, after all, and look how happy they are!
I have turned several pages at once in my children’s favorite book just so I could finish the book sooner.
Many children seem to cling to a favorite book and, as a result, want the book to be read several times a day. I am a huge advocate of reading to and with children, so the prospect of raising bookworms was exciting to me. On the other hand, I sometimes found myself wishing they would increase their order list by even one or two books because the current reading list was quite short. Even an avid reader tires of the same material day after day. So sometimes I would skip a page here and there. What I learned about “page breaking” was that I had to do it when the book was fairly new. If I waited until I had read the book many times, my children would know when I took a shortcut. I even realized that if I constantly skipped the same pages from the beginning, my kids wouldn’t be any wiser, at least not until they learned to read. It’s okay to take some shortcuts with your kids. Focus on the quality of your time together, and focus on giving them your full attention when you can.
I have said the words “because I said so” like my mother.
I never understood why my mother used this phrase until I became a mother to a preschooler. As a person who has spent most of his adult life studying human behavior, I understand that this expression says almost nothing to a child, except that parents have a lot of power. It leaves no room for negotiation or (hopefully) further discussion. I also know this phrase is used because, let’s face it, it works. Let me rephrase that. The expression works most of the time when our children are young, so we use it and it becomes a habit. (On a side note, ‘because I said so’ isn’t as effective with tweens and teens, at least that’s what I’ve heard: wink, wink.)
As a child I didn’t like my mother resorting to this classic parenting phrase. I remember feeling frustrated at the time, but looking back, I think what I didn’t understand is that sometimes I needed to obey my mother just because she was the main authority in my life. She often didn’t give him enough credit for going through childhood, adolescence, and adulthood. In short, I had a hard time accepting the voice of reason. Now that I’m a parent myself, this phrase seems a lot less threatening. So much so that, as I said, I’ve used it myself. The only difference is now my kids are the ones looking at me like, “What exactly do you mean by that?” I in turn respond with, “It doesn’t have to make sense. That’s the way it is,” and realize once again that I’m becoming my mother, which used to scare me, but now it’s not so bad.
I want to leave you with a few words of encouragement. Try to accept that as a parent he will make mistakes and that there will be days when he questions almost everything in his life. However, I have learned that there will also be many sunny days when you firmly believe that parenthood is the best decision you have ever made. For the days in between, allow yourself to be human and find healthy ways to cope. Someone very wise once told me that I should enjoy every moment with my children because very soon they will be adults and they will live their own lives. Mom, once again you were right, and thanks to your wise words I am learning to live in the moment. And, yes, I still eat cookie dough.