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I recently heard from a wife who told me that she and her husband lived very differently than they did when they were first married. She said that they used to always be together, laughing, loving and experimenting. But now, they saw each other across the breakfast table without really seeing the other person, they nodded as they passed and suffered awkward but commonplace silences. The wife summed it up by saying, “My husband and I are pretty much living as roommates and I’m not sure I can take this anymore. I deserve to be happy and loved so I’m not sure I want to stay.” in this marriage and continue to live this way.

He wanted my advice on what to do. When I asked her what she and her husband were doing to bridge this distance, she looked at me blankly. I asked her if her dates and outings ended badly or if it was some kind of attempt at closeness. Again, I got a blank stare. The wife had to admit that they rarely spent much time together. It seemed they both felt this was either a waste of time or potentially so awkward that they wanted to avoid it altogether.

Determine why the roommate situation between spouses was occurring: In fact, I hear quite a bit about this scenario. There are several reasons for this. Sometimes, there is a problem, a misunderstanding, or an unfortunate issue running through the marriage, and yet no one wants to say anything about it or address it. Then each person lowers their gaze as the distance stretches further and further until it becomes so uncomfortable it’s almost unbearable. And still, the core problem is never addressed, so it gets worse as well.

Other times, there is no particular reason for this and no anger is involved (although the result can be great frustration and sadness). What happened in this case is that both parties may feel that one of them may have “changed”. ” or that the spark is gone. And while it may seem like things are evolving, you can often observe the change in the relationship and also identify a change in circumstances and/or priorities.

Often when I ask people to compare the time they spent in the relationship today with the quality time they spent in the past, they are very resistant. They’ll say things like “yeah, but that was before we had kids or obligations and before we felt so comfortable with each other.” Or they will deny that one thing has anything to do with the other. In this case, I often say things like “well, what should I do? Give her my full attention all day? This is unrealistic and it’s not going to help anyway.”

Admittedly, thinking that you could put the time and effort of the past into today’s relationship is a bit unrealistic. Very few of us enjoyed the carefree lifestyle we had back then. But if you think about it objectively, you can usually at least consider that the time you spend will directly reflect the feelings that arise. You can’t neglect anything—a garden, a marriage, or a spouse—and expect them to give you the results they used to when you gave them more time and attention. (And you can’t or shouldn’t do this, either.)

But what happens when you finally realize that you need to rearrange your priorities and how you spend your time, but you’re worried that you’ve let this go on for so long that there’s really nothing left of the relationship? And, while you don’t dislike or hate your spouse, you need to ask yourself if she really loves you more. You look at them and feel nothing. So you can’t help but wonder if you’ve waited too long.

How do you start when you want to bring back the spark in your marriage? Unfortunately, many people will allow the fear of being vulnerable to influence their reluctance to make changes. So they’ll just sit there and get frustrated and know they’re sinking lower and lower. Yes, making changes can be awkward. Your husband may not respond the way you want him to at first. This situation did not happen overnight and probably will not change overnight.

But, you can start by giving what you want to receive. The wife herself made it very clear that she felt that she deserved to be loved. She could start by showing her husband this love and exhibiting the behaviors she wanted to receive. In a sense, we have to teach people how to treat us by the way we treat them. We show them that we want more of their time and attention by giving them more of ours.

Sure, at first, you may be seen as having lost your temper or temporarily gone off the rails. That is not the end of the world. Eventually, they’ll see that you’re serious about making lasting changes, and as long as they get positive feedback, they’re likely to do the same.

The wife was missing the fact that the husband probably wanted to return the closeness as much as she did. Every human being wants to experience love and feel valued. Her husband was no different. Since they both wanted the same thing and knew they were compatible but had only lost each other, there was no reason why they couldn’t change their daily interactions and apathy and ultimately get a completely different and better result.

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