We need each other, especially in times of distress. And it’s important to never forget that human interaction is the very essence of living a happy life. The positive outcome of that interaction is always based on respectful and supportive communication, saying the right things at the right time.
Some people seem to be especially wounded with the ability to be able to connect. Others have a habit of saying the wrong things at the wrong time. The result in terms of grief is that the bereaved often feels more hurt and tends to withdraw from certain people at a time when social support is a crucial need.
Here are a number of comments that have been made that should have been kept secret. Then we’ll look at some of the more useful responses.
1. “You’ll find someone else (or another good friend)” or “It can’t be that bad.” These comments are often made to young widows or widowers or teenagers who have lost a friend. Sometimes it is preceded by: “You are still young…”. They hurt deeply.
2. “At least you have other children.” The assumption that it is comforting that other children are unaware that this particular child is gone and well loved.
3. “You’ll be fine” or “I understand what you’re going through.” The grievance of each person
it is unique because every relationship with a loved one is unique. Nobody understands.
4. “He’s in a better place” or “It’s God’s will.” We do not understand the deep beliefs that a particular person may have. The deceased is not here is the point, and what kind of God would want such a thing, may be the thoughts of many mourners.
5. “You’ll get over it” or “It’s been a long time, don’t you think you should get over it?” Nobody gets over it; they integrate it and live with it in their daily lives.
6. “Time heals all wounds” or “Just put it out of your mind.” As a friend who lost her 17-year-old son said: “Time doesn’t heal all wounds unless you work between the minutes.” For the caregiver, it means allowing the bereaved to repeat and retell the story. And, no one forgets.
7. “It could have been worse, so don’t feel so bad” or “Don’t talk about it.” This minimizes one’s grievance and is a veiled way of saying get over it. It is critical that the
The bereaved are encouraged to talk about it and express their feelings.
8. “It’s been over a year. Don’t you think you should let it go?” or “You can’t bring it back.” There are no time limits on complaints and it is quite normal for them to be re-examined. You could revisit periodically for the rest of your life. State the obvious is demeaning to death.
All of the above comments have two things in common. The first is a lack of knowledge of what constitutes a normal tort. The second is that those who use these comments have a hard time being close to someone who is suffering. To begin with, grief is a feeling of loneliness, no matter how many people are around, and all these comments reinforce the loneliness of the mourner.
Here are some alternative considerations with a more need-satisfaction view.
1. “I wish there was something I could say to ease your pain.”
2. “I’m so sorry.” (Some people don’t like this after hearing it so often.)
3. “Do you feel like talking now or maybe some other time?”
4. “It’s okay to cry whenever you feel like it. Please don’t hold back.”
5. “How’s your day going?”
6. “What kind of day are you having?” (If the mourner gives the usual response of
OK, make good eye contact and say, “How are you really doing?”).
surprised by the response he receives.
7. “Do you want me to stay or do you want time to yourself?”
8. Sometimes a hug, without saying anything, can be all that is needed at that particular moment.
Remember that more than 90% of a message that is communicated is non-verbal. That is, your facial expression, eye contact, and other body movements convey most of the message. Your intention to give comfort, not to fix what you can’t fix, will come through your non-verbal communication. Always address the bereaved with respect and with the belief that the person is in charge of your grief and will show you how they feel. be a student