Ladies and gentlemen, we need to have a chat. My father-in-law passed away in August 2014 after a long battle with Lewy body syndrome (a form of dementia), and one thing I noticed is that people in their 20s, 30s, and 40s don’t know funeral etiquette. I’m not sure if they are aware of etiquette when someone they know loses a loved one.
Well, I’m here to do you a favor. I’m going to explain it to you, because the bad news is that there is a 100% chance that you need it. Everyone dies, and until the reaper comes for you, then you will have to deal with the loss of people in your life and in the lives of those around you. The good news is that many of them are good, old-fashioned, and common sense. Here are some tips on how to be a decent human being when life is not so decent:
Tip 1: Find and save the obituary. They are usually posted online through funeral homes and local newspapers. The obituary contains valuable information about the deceased, their survivors, service arrangements, and the family’s wishes for formal condolences. Bookmark it, print it, or copy and paste it into a document for reference.
Clue 2: if it is a family member, friend, colleague, or your spouse who has lost a parent, sibling, child, or grandchild, it is not acceptable to offer just a verbal condolence (or a text message or email). I underlined or your spouse because I know that nobody cares what the in-laws think, but they too have to live with this as an important part of their life. This happened to the person closest to them, and providing support and comfort is quiet work that can be exhausting. Dismissing or ignoring a major loss is rude, and trying to pass it off as “he’s just a father-in-law” is an excuse.
If you work in a place that has a policy prohibiting participation in weddings, baby showers, and funerals to avoid the perception of favoritism (as I once did), then it is still acceptable for individuals or small work groups to do something. See Track 4 for suggestions.
For grandparents, this can be more difficult to achieve. If they were close, it is appropriate to attend services or offer other condolences. If it wasn’t or was the grandparent of a spouse, then a verbal sympathy is acceptable.
Text, email, or social media condolences are inappropriate if you can communicate in person. Always offer your condolences personally, and don’t offer your condolences. They must be offered separately from any other request or topic of conversation, and must be as soon as possible after the loss. Don’t skip it. It takes very little time and energy to say “I’m sorry for your loss.”
If the person suffering the loss lives far away and social or electronic media is their only means of contact, then offering your condolences in this way is acceptable, although a phone call is more appropriate if you have their number.
Choice of which path: If you plan to attend services, go to Track 3. If you cannot or do not want to attend services, go to Track 4.
Hint 3: At memorials, visits, and funerals, it is acceptable to go to only one if they are held separately.
Know Your Terminology: Memorial Services it means there will be no body and no vision. A display of photographs or memorabilia honoring the life of the deceased is on display at the service. This is typical for cremations or when the burial will be private. Visits they are held in churches or funeral homes, and are a display of the body. The family lines up next to the body. Don’t skip the line on a visit. Introduce yourself to all members of the family line and explain how you met the deceased or which family member you know. Funeral they are formal services with the closed casket or urn brought in during the service. They are usually followed by a graveside service.
Do not worry; The family does not expect you to stunt their schedule to be there, especially if it involves travel. When my father-in-law passed away, it was the week before the teachers returned to school, many people were on summer vacation and some did not know it until they returned from trips or other obligations that they were trying to take care of. before school resumed. We got it and we weren’t expecting them to change their schedule. Also, there have been many times when friends lost a parent, but I had a reunion on the day of the funeral, so I was only able to visit the night before. Life is hectic and people understand it.
This can be tricky if they do what I call “2 for 1”, which is when they visit the hour before the service. Generally, you have to do both, unless you can attend at the beginning of the visit and can explain to the family that your time is limited and that you cannot stay for the service.
Graveside services are usually short and smaller groups attend. Usually only people who go to the funeral proceed to the graveside service. This is optional, especially in inclement or extreme weather. It’s generally more geared toward family and close friends, anyway.
Often, a meal is provided after the funeral or funeral. This is limited to family or friends who had to travel to attend the service. Do not participate in the meal unless an immediate family member has invited you to dine with them. Marriage trespassers are one thing; funeral intruders are disgusting.
If you can’t make it to services, don’t despair. There are other ways to offer your condolences on Track 4.
Tip 4: If you don’t attend services or want to do more, here are acceptable alternatives. Doing one is a kind expression of sympathy, but you can do more if you feel inclined to do so:
Send a condolence card. This is the easiest thing to do and requires an investment of very little time and money. They even make boxes of sympathy cards, so buy a box to keep at home so you can send a card if a friend or colleague loses a loved one.
Send flowers for services. This is time sensitive, because florists generally need 24 to 48 hours notice of service arrangements. Bring a copy of the obituary so you can inform the florist when and where to deliver the arrangement. Florists will guide you through this process, so don’t be afraid to ask questions. It is also acceptable to submit an arrangement on behalf of a group. Designate someone to order the arrangement and reimburse the cost of the flowers (you will not have time to collect the amount you will need for a funeral arrangement unless there is a delay of five days or more between notification of death and services).
Place a memorial for the deceased. Often times, the family requests that memorials be made instead of flowers. This is one of the most popular ways to recognize a loss and your tax deductible. You can put up memorials at any time, but they are usually done between one and three months after the loss. The obituary will give the name of the organization that the family has designated. Find the address online and send it directly to the organization with a note that it is a tribute to the deceased (be sure to write your full and correct name, not a nickname). Do not mail it directly to a family member; Submit it directly to the organization, as they provide a list of people who sent memorials to the family, and your name will not be on that list unless you submit it directly to the organization. . You should receive an acknowledgment of receipt from the organization (save it for filing your taxes next year as a ‘charitable contribution’) and a thank you note from a family member within a month or two of receipt.
It is also acceptable for a group of people to collect for a large commemorative contribution on behalf of a group or organization. This is common in workplaces, clubs, and civic organizations. As with flowers, usually one person coordinates this and sets a deadline for contributions and sends them to the organization on behalf of the group.
Provide a meal for the family. Churches have a committee assigned to this task, but it is limited to the day of the funeral. Obtaining and preparing food can be a challenge when so much is happening and the family is converging from everywhere. It’s a relief to have that burden removed in the days after the loss. This is especially true if they are members of a smaller church that might not have the resources to provide a full meal, or if they are not members of a congregation. Check with the family during the two weeks after the funeral to find out if they could help with meals.
Call, visit family at home, or get together for a social function. Some people are sociable and would love to take a call or visit. Others keep to themselves and don’t want to be embarrassed to talk about their feelings. You need to know the person to know if this is a good idea and how to lead it. We had friends who invited us to dinner at their house a couple of weeks after Rick’s father died, and it was just what we needed. We actually ended up talking about Washington DC, because we were going to that area for a business conference a month later, but it was still perfect. We enjoy going out, visiting friends, and having the opportunity to talk about the good things that come up in life. Other friends did visit us, but this visit stayed in our minds because the time was right, and they gave us the opportunity to look ahead and see better things, instead of looking back, the things that we did not feel like discussing. at that moment.
And a warning: I know that the statute of limitations for a normal person to deal with the complaints of others is approximately two days to two weeks. Death is the most uncomfortable subject and pain is the most unpleasant emotion to deal with. Unfortunately, grief is a process that cannot be avoided, avoided, or shortened. With this in mind, keep in mind that you may experience outbursts of tremendous sadness or tremendous anger, depending on whether the grief externalizes or internalizes your emotions, and they can oscillate between the two.
This is normal. I’m not saying you should excuse them, because they are all responsible for their actions. I’m saying that the ninety days after someone has lost a loved one is a bad time for you to be an idiot. It’s risky to push the boundaries, test the boundaries, take a power trip, issue extreme demands or ultimatums, or “tell them how it’s going to be.” You have a one hundred percent chance of being confronted, and frankly, you deserve it. Don’t think they wouldn’t dare. I’ve seen the meekest angels explode in this critical time period, so no one is exempt. It can and will happen, so tread carefully.
I hope this article is helpful and serves as a quick guide to death and pain. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that they won’t remember, because they certainly do. Everything in life takes on a different meaning when death has been at your door. So many things suddenly seem superficial and you see them in a whole new light.
Keep in mind that the reaper is always working and will eventually visit his corner of the world. You may think you are safe and you are wrong. The fact that he is not in your world today is not a promise for tomorrow, and the courtesy you give him will be the courtesy that will be returned to you when you need it most.
Now you know what to do when that happens.