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The shanty towns or squatter communities known as “Hooverville” during President Hoover’s tenure as President (or in the past, as my son would say) began to sprout up all over the United States due to the aftermath of the Great Depression. These heterogeneous “communities” were made up of people who had been evicted from their homes or farms. These individuals, labeled as homeless, were forced to live a demeaning existence among grotesque piles of accumulated garbage, made from public waste of food they had to eat or various valuables they could sell. The poor and outcasts cooked their meager portions of canned food over open fires, covering themselves with old newspapers while wearing Hoover shoes with holes in the soles. The only landscape was blurred by dust in the summer and mud in the winter as they inhaled the stench of all the rubbish and extremely unsanitary dilapidated latrines. These poor Depression-era bums, however, don’t compare to today’s modern freeloaders, selfish, lazy people who calculate their tactics and by no means suffer as much as the displaced victims of the Great Depression.

Yes, we are suffering, and indeed times are changing, but eating banana peels and using newspapers is not the same as feeding all your family or friends French fries while watching a rerun of Friends on their cable TV. . With the current economic crisis, many people have had to rely on family, friends and relatives to help them through their financial setback. However, the thing is that many find this life of “luxury” very accommodating, so they remain as permanent guests taking advantage of the hospitality of a loved one. This isn’t a new thing, it’s just happening more often nowadays thanks to our lovely crumbling economy, but I for one think free charging is wrong and needs to stop. There’s a difference between visiting a loved one and taking over their home.

Here it is, an example. Several years ago my husband and I moved to Florida. Every year we returned to New Jersey to visit family and friends. Well, my husband would always invite everyone to come to Florida and stay at our house, so they wouldn’t have to spend money on a hotel, forgetting that we were just renting a small 2-bedroom apartment. Naturally, everyone jumped at the chance, including his drinking buddies, who arrived in a car loaded with suitcases and alcohol. He was working the night shift at the post office and needed to sleep during the day. Well, once, it seems our room was offered to his drinking buddy and his friend’s wife, while I had to make do crammed into my two young children’s room. These bums came up empty handed and ate like there was no tomorrow. One week turned into two weeks, which seemed to stretch on for more. I told my husband to kick them out which he refused to do saying they were his guests and it would be rude of him. He was furious, working nights and not getting enough sleep. During the day, they would go down to the beach or explore the area, having a great time. The woman did nothing to help me. I couldn’t take it anymore. I called the hotels in the area and asked what their prices were, and when the couple returned that afternoon, I told them they had to go, it had been two weeks and I needed my room back. The man said he was paying my husband $20.00 a week for the room which was ridiculous… Imagine thinking that $20.00 a week would cover the cost of 3 meals a day plus my room for two people. No way José, he must have been crazy. Well, I have to say that after they saw how angry he was, they got the message loud and clear right away by calling a nephew who lived in the area. That annoyed me even more, knowing that they had a nephew who lived nearby, and he had to be bothered by this pair of rascals. So instead of going to a hotel where they had to pay, they ended up at their nephew’s house. Bon voyage, finally, but that still didn’t stop the flow of guests coming and going and taking us down. This created a lot of hostility between my husband and me. Finally, after 7 years of acting like a boozy bed and breakfast, we moved back to New Jersey. That prevented family and friends from visiting.

The thing is, all the freeloaders and freeloaders acted in the same rude and selfish way. No one understood why I was irritated, worked, sacrificed living space, cooked, did all the shopping and was imposed on me for too long. I guess there is a moocher guide out there that everyone uses.

Moocher’s Guide:

Law Number 1: Find a nice, generous, and trustworthy friend or relative and arrange a “brief” but indefinite visit.

Law Number 2: Convince these brands to become your personal ATM.

Law Number 3: Always manipulate others into not paying their fair share, check-stiff drunken companionship, butt crinkles, sponge cigarettes, meals, etc.

Law Number 4: Never, under any circumstances, clean up after yourself. This establishes a dangerous past.

Law Number 5: Always raid any unattended refrigerator. Don’t leave anything.

Law Number 6: Never be polite. Assume that it is yours by natural law, consume it and destroy it.

Law Number 7: Have fun while the brands work. What are vacations for?

Law Number 8: Make yourself scarce when homework time comes up.

Frankly, freeloaders are a threat to society. People who have freeloading problems are rightfully depressed and angry. To make matters worse, thieves often don’t shower, flush, wipe down the seat when they’re done, or don’t do their own laundry. In fact, what homeless people do is use the phone all night, leaving it off the hook when they’re done. They leave the TV on all night and make a lot of noise while you try to get some sleep to avoid them. If subtle hints and veiled innuendo don’t work, throw all their belongings outside and change the locks. The following is my own manual, listing thief problems and ways to deal with them.

Miriam’s Handbook:

PROBLEM: A friend or loved one shows up uninvited, looking for sympathy and a place to stay.

SOLUTION: If someone shows up without an invitation, you can politely tell them that they were leaving and don’t have time to chat. The strongest weapon a freeloader has is using guilt to get what he wants from you. Get ready for this. Don’t feel guilty. Always be wary of those who love to tag along but always seem to forget to bring their wallet. Always mention before going anywhere that involves a cost, that if the other person has their wallet with them. Or you can just say you better go dutch. If the person then says that he doesn’t have any money, you say, ‘Sorry, I don’t have enough, to pay you back, too, so we’ll just have to skip that.’

PROBLEM: A friend or loved one always wants to visit you but doesn’t invite you to visit them. Always try to exchange home visits.

SOLUTION: If someone was at your house this week watching the game and eating all your candy and drinking your beer, then you recommend doing it at their house the following week. If they don’t cooperate, don’t bother with them. If they are taking advantage of you, start monitoring your dealings with them or stop altogether. You want to tell them that you are not a money tree nor are you their restaurant, hotel, or cleaning service. You have to nip this behavior in the bud, because the longer you wait, the more tense you will become and the harder it will be to get rid of these people. So it becomes squatters rights. They have all the rights and they put you on the squat.

PROBLEM: Your relative wants to stay with you until you “get well.” If they live with you, you have to give them time to leave your house.

SOLUTION: One way to prevent burglars from staying in your home is to keep your refrigerator or cabinets as empty as possible. Hide your supplies somewhere; Give them a list of things to do. If they complain, tell them to buy their own food or leave.

PROBLEM: You feel like a servant with all the clutter left behind and you get tired of things like your guest leaving dirty sheets, wet towels on the bed or on the bathroom counter.

SOLUTION: House guests must clean up after themselves. If they are there for a week or so, then they should offer to take the host out for dinner for their trouble. If they plan to return, then tell them that you already have plans for that time and that no one will be home. Try to make your apology sound sincere and convincing to the best of your ability.

PROBLEM: Family members will come to your house and stay as long as they want, to save on hotel expenses. So the longer they stay, the more resentment builds up, which will eventually damage family relationships.

SOLUTION: Family members do not have the right to break in because they are family, they must first call or write. If they appear unexpectedly, take them to a hotel or take them to the nearest transport. Don’t let the homeless take over the house; they need to help by cooking, washing their own clothes and contributing some money. They have no right to take advantage of you to save on expenses because somewhere in the family tree you inherited part of their blood or your spouse did.

PROBLEM: Guests who don’t leave when it gets late.

SOLUTION: If you feel like your eyelids are starting to get heavy or like you have a severe case of hives, start yawning, scratching, and standing up calmly and politely; mention that you had a lovely evening, that you should repeat the visit at ANOTHER more convenient time. If he continues to stand, they’ll get up, at least he hopes so, and then start walking towards the door. If they don’t take the hint, then come tell them you have to go to work the next day and you’re tired and want to go to bed. My mother dresses next to the broom. She said that when you want the company that was staying too long to leave, turn the broom by the door, and you will see that it works. Yes, of course mom, like in your dream, that’s not going to happen.

PROBLEM: The friend or relative who always takes money from you and never returns it or who considers you his personal taxi service without paying.

SOLUTION: Just say you don’t mind getting them where they’re going, but you don’t have gas in your car or money to pay for gas to get there and NEVER lend money to anyone who has scammed you twice.

Follow these simple tips and you’ll soon be free of freeloaders. Good luck!

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